Tikkun Olam

I found this lurking on my computer today. Two years later I am finally starting to take some of the action I played with in this entry. Life is often like that. The image is of prayer flags taken by a friend in S. Korea.

Tikkun Olam: we are on this earth to heal the broken pieces of the world. Jewish Precept

I struggle everyday.

Who am I? What do I want? Can I do this? Sometimes it’s hard to get out of bed. I’m sure all of you have had those days. Even the happiest of us have days where we just need to retreat deeper into the folds of cloth, surrounding us in warmth and comfort.

Sometime the list of things to do/ accomplish/ be is so long I fear it will never end and I will be buried in the length and breadth of it all. Some days I look at the state of my country, my home, or this planet and I weep. I shed tears of grief and berate myself for not being bigger, more useful, or able to stop it all. I firmly believe somehow I should be able to stop it. It is on those days that the blankets cover me and I forget to feed myself and I forget to bathe, forget how to smile, forget how to breathe.

I don’t understand who I am. But I know that I need to do something. This lingering push that reaches up every once in a while and reminds me that my life does have meaning. I just have no idea what that is. I’m beginning to understand if I knew the purpose I’d never get there, so I do things like this and randomly start typing or writing bits down. In the end I may fid I have something here that’s interesting and whole and maybe when all the pieces are put together it will be like a mosaic in which alone the pieces mean nothing but together they form a magnificent breathtaking completely whole picture.

This is a project of love. Love that has been long in coming and I hope will lead to a life of complete openness. I understand that I have very little time in life. I am 32 years old at this writing; already a good third of my time is gone. But in those years I have been searching for answers to questions I don’t know and I have finally realized that it is through love of myself I will find the answers I seek.

I don’t yet understand who I am. The more I journey on this path towards self-exploration, the more I understand I will never know. I read once that change is constant and it is our inability to see and accept this that causes us so much pain. I am beginning to trust that someday I might arrive at a conclusion of who I am but I am not sure I will ever be able to give an accurate summation.

I am currently in a state of mourning as I lunge away from my path of divinity and try to find a suitable occupation to make me loads of money so I can be acceptable and at ease for a bit. I hate looking for jobs. I have only found the task of finding jeans that fit my body more depressing that trying to figure out how I fit into those stupid lists of qualifications.

I have had six jobs as an adult in this world. None of them have earned me over $25.000 a year. In today’s world I am not successful and I feel the impact of that as I gaze at my husbands paychecks and wish I was good with computers. Not that I’d want his job, but fuck it’s be nice to pull in 4 or 5 times what I do for a couple of years.
The most valuable things I have learned from having so many career paths, is what I DON”T want to do when I grow up. I am hoping it has brought me closer to what I do wan to do, but the verdict is still out as to weather or not I have made any forward progress.

It is an auspicious time in this world. In my struggle to figure out how best to serve my planet and its inhabitants I have decided to share my collected insights, knowledge, oddities, weirdness and myth with the world. I have decided to share my belief that it is through our brokenness that we heal the world and I offer my journey in collecting back the pieces of my soul to you in the hope that it inspires, delights or reminds you that you are a spiritual being having a human experience and that you are more that you could ever dream. This blog will dare you to dream big and live loud. Forget the status quo and learn to thrive on your own terms, in your own unique way.