life at the edge of chaos

ode to the work

2009-07-20T23:15:00.000-07:00

so i got myself a tarot reading, cause you just need an unbiased opinion of your stuckness once in a great while. through the coarse of the reading there was much which came up about mom's which lead to an evening of writing which lead to this small piece that needs a home.

she sat for three days in a cave of her own construction

she fashioned it out of anger, hate, bitterness, and despair

at the dawn of the third day, she rose up from her surroundings

lit a match

and walked away scattering seeds

cocoon transformed to ash, will feed next years flowers

2009-02-09T20:12:00.000-08:00

“…there is no use trying,” said alice; “one can’t believe impossible things.”
“i dare say you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “when i was your age, i always did it for half an hour a day. why, sometimes i’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

–lewis carroll

just a reminder that all is possible in this vast and amazing universe. just because you've never seen it doesn't meant it can't happen someday with the right vision.

remember that no one who was normal ever made history, and normal people aren't the ones creating abundance for themselves and others.

dare to be stupid, risk, dream and find a solution to a problem in a highly creative way. even if nothing comes of it you will have spent several hours occupied in a stimulating and amusing way, growing new brain cells and thinking outside the box.

sometimes tv rocks

2009-02-07T21:13:00.000-08:00

however i do not own a tv.well i do but it's old and you have to hit it a lot to make the wavy lines go away and it only comes out with the ancient vhs machine when the niece and nephew are here and i need some down time.

so battlestar galactica is my drug. i love the show. i love teh people, and holy crap Starbuck rocks my world. Last episode totally was *guh* Katee Sackoff is hot and she is fucking awesome when pissed off. i just read a comment in a blog "Basically, every time Katee Sackhoff fires a gun, I have an orgasm."

I cannot agree more.

there she is with lee ready to shoot em up go starbuck go!

and i hate that i have no tv, and no cable and that i have to wait a whole day to see it. alas there are people with much worse problems then having to wait 12-24 hours to watch their tv drug. and really i could be a very pushy friend and go squat in a friends living room but i grew up with parents who never liked me to call someone after 9pm let alone invite myself into their home. i'd bring food though...

not as many orgasms in tonights episode but still some ass kicking all around.

she's really just the cutest thing... and my husband has said he would not mind a threesome... wait did i just say that.

Tikkun Olam

2009-02-06T10:40:00.000-08:00

I found this lurking on my computer today. Two years later I am finally starting to take some of the action I played with in this entry. Life is often like that. The image is of prayer flags taken by a friend in S. Korea.

Tikkun Olam: we are on this earth to heal the broken pieces of the world. Jewish Precept

I struggle everyday.

Who am I? What do I want? Can I do this? Sometimes it’s hard to get out of bed. I’m sure all of you have had those days. Even the happiest of us have days where we just need to retreat deeper into the folds of cloth, surrounding us in warmth and comfort.

Sometime the list of things to do/ accomplish/ be is so long I fear it will never end and I will be buried in the length and breadth of it all. Some days I look at the state of my country, my home, or this planet and I weep. I shed tears of grief and berate myself for not being bigger, more useful, or able to stop it all. I firmly believe somehow I should be able to stop it. It is on those days that the blankets cover me and I forget to feed myself and I forget to bathe, forget how to smile, forget how to breathe.

I don’t understand who I am. But I know that I need to do something. This lingering push that reaches up every once in a while and reminds me that my life does have meaning. I just have no idea what that is. I’m beginning to understand if I knew the purpose I’d never get there, so I do things like this and randomly start typing or writing bits down. In the end I may fid I have something here that’s interesting and whole and maybe when all the pieces are put together it will be like a mosaic in which alone the pieces mean nothing but together they form a magnificent breathtaking completely whole picture.

This is a project of love. Love that has been long in coming and I hope will lead to a life of complete openness. I understand that I have very little time in life. I am 32 years old at this writing; already a good third of my time is gone. But in those years I have been searching for answers to questions I don’t know and I have finally realized that it is through love of myself I will find the answers I seek.

I don’t yet understand who I am. The more I journey on this path towards self-exploration, the more I understand I will never know. I read once that change is constant and it is our inability to see and accept this that causes us so much pain. I am beginning to trust that someday I might arrive at a conclusion of who I am but I am not sure I will ever be able to give an accurate summation.

I am currently in a state of mourning as I lunge away from my path of divinity and try to find a suitable occupation to make me loads of money so I can be acceptable and at ease for a bit. I hate looking for jobs. I have only found the task of finding jeans that fit my body more depressing that trying to figure out how I fit into those stupid lists of qualifications.

I have had six jobs as an adult in this world. None of them have earned me over $25.000 a year. In today’s world I am not successful and I feel the impact of that as I gaze at my husbands paychecks and wish I was good with computers. Not that I’d want his job, but fuck it’s be nice to pull in 4 or 5 times what I do for a couple of years.
The most valuable things I have learned from having so many career paths, is what I DON”T want to do when I grow up. I am hoping it has brought me closer to what I do wan to do, but the verdict is still out as to weather or not I have made any forward progress.

It is an auspicious time in this world. In my struggle to figure out how best to serve my planet and its inhabitants I have decided to share my collected insights, knowledge, oddities, weirdness and myth with the world. I have decided to share my belief that it is through our brokenness that we heal the world and I offer my journey in collecting back the pieces of my soul to you in the hope that it inspires, delights or reminds you that you are a spiritual being having a human experience and that you are more that you could ever dream. This blog will dare you to dream big and live loud. Forget the status quo and learn to thrive on your own terms, in your own unique way.

wii

2009-02-04T07:35:00.000-08:00

so when you start getting old, you know like 30, nobody bothers to help correct your confusion. you must be really persistent. it is quiet annoying. the conversation just moves on... at least in junior and high school they would laugh at you.

last night while thumbing through the costco coupons i came across some software looking thing that said wii maker. now you must understand i have only experienced the wii from afar. i don't own a tv, nor do i want to invest in one just for this.

anyway here is the internal brain conversation:
humm wonder what a wii maker is?
maybe you can make new wii activities with it?
really? wouldn't think manufacturers of wii would allow that
looks closer WOW

yeah, um... it's a will maker.

not that creating you will couldn't be massively fun. deciding where to allocate your favorite things and who gets the $5 you have stashed in your sock drawer. but really... it would have been fun to create your own crazy wii games. alas maybe that is coming and i am ahead of the curve. if the genius who invents this product gets inspired by this post i expect to be treated to dinner. you can keep the rest of the millions you will make but i want a nice dinner out. thank you in advance, you rock!

and just to note 30 is not even remotely old, but you most likely either already understand that cause you are 30 and aren't dead yet or it's too far away and you could care less. but someday you will turn 30 and the world will not end. unless of coarse, you are extremely unlucky.

the moments that life does a 180

2009-02-03T18:30:00.000-08:00

so it would appear that chaos the cat has sucked up enough energy for the moment and i am free to begin the download. this first bit is a brief moment from my actual life in which everything stopped and started again.

on my 18th birthday i had my first co-ed party. i might have joined the integration of the sexes sooner but really i've never had elaborate parties. see i have always lived near seattle (you know rain) and my birthday is at the end of january. it's not always the best time of the year for a party (but snow would be nice thanks). and any party to be had would have had to been held indoors with no room for escaping... but alas i am avoiding the story i really want to tell.

so 18th birthday. just recovered from an appendectomy and am feeling swell. there are boys at my house, including my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend has just arrived. anyways it's all good. really don't remember much except we ordered a giant subway sub and they forgot the meat so we had to run up and get a whole stack of lunch meat and then dissect the sandwich.

what i vividly recall was gift giving time. no i only recall one gift. everything else i couldn't tell you. but for anyone that was there who gave me a gift and is now reading this thank you i loved it :D

ok so current boyfriend hands me a bag; in the bag is a small grey fuzzy box. and here ladies and gentlemen is where time stands still.

first thought is oh shit
second thought is, is this what i think it is
third thought is pissed, how the fuck can he do this to me in front of all these people. what a selfish egotistical asshole

breathe

look around pleadingly for help. make eye contact with ex-boyfriend whose eyebrow goes up. looks at mom who is also holding her breath and wondering what current boyfriend just did. look back at box. hold breath. decide i can't hold breath much longer and give in to curiosity and peer pressure. opens box.

it thank the gods is a necklace. a heart with an opal. did you know opals are bad luck to those whose birth stone it is not. my birthstone is a garnet. i was terrified of "the opal of doom"

ok so the 180 flip. it is end of january, i have 5 months until i graduate high school. i am so not going to be trapped. i am so going to run for my life. i know if i stay with current boyfriend at the end of graduation i will be presented with an engagement ring.

life comes crashing down. who are these people i am hanging out with. what do they long to create with their lives. what are they going to do. will i ever see them again after june. will i care to ever see them again. i begin to investigate.

i begin to pull away. i begin to walk the most complicated and rewardingly (which i think is not a real word cause spell check doesn't like it but i do) difficult path ever. i begin to walk inwards and to figure out who i am. i can safely tell you after having a birthday last week, 16 years after this incident, i am not much closer to knowing, but i am a hell of a lot happier than i was that day.

sometimes life puts amazing self discoveries into fuzzy grey boxes and asks you to rise to the occasion, to choose. but then your life is an occasion and you should rise to it.

this 180 pretty much made for an interesting end of my senior year. i felt pretty isolated and confused... and then i learned that growing up (aka being and adult) is kinda like that.

welcome world

2009-02-03T18:11:00.000-08:00

boy do i have a lot to say to you. too bad all of my energy is being zapped by the furry cat named chaos sitting on my lap.

alas you will have to wait for me to begin the long and tedious download of my brain.

i am tons of insights for you.

i also have a million and one questions.

and i have about half a dozen things that need accounting for and well this seems like as good as any place to dump it all and vent.

until the next time...